You Know You Have to Much Money When... #2

Rent an entire hotel.

Money Wasted - 5,000/night

The Chanier at Cliff Walk in Newport, Rhode Island offers a "Private Experience Package".  That gives you the ENITRE hotel.  This mansion has 20 period rooms and jacuzzi tubs...  Private Experience Package eh?  More like the "I-am-a-greedy-rich-douche-who-wants-every-room-so-there-is-nothing-left-for-anyone-else-even-though-I-know-I-will-never-need-all-those-rooms Package!"

Not only do you get the hotel to yourself but you also get meals made by a personal chef, couples massages, and your own chauffeur to drive you around the city.  Although after spending five grand to be in a large house, I doubt you will want to waste time running around town surrounded by normal one-hotel-room people.

I think for a Valentines date it would be a lot more fun to fly up to Rhode Island, egg the ba-jesus out of this place, and then poop in each jacuzzi.

Just a thought.

**I TAKE ALL THIS BACK IF THIS HOTEL IS HAUNTED**  (It would be totally worth it)

You Know You Have to Much Money When... #1

As a little lead up to St. Valentines day I'm going to post some RIDICULOUS gifts that stupid rich people will be getting this Monday.  If you get any of these for V-day... immediately marry or assassinate (make sure you are on the will) the giver.

Dinner in the Sky.

Money Wasted - $40,000

Basically they hoist a large platform 180 feet into the sky and you eat a fancy meal on it, with up to 22 people; although if you think you can have a romantic meal surrounded by 20 other people then you already have some issues to begin with.

On this very high and unsafe looking platform you eat a fancy meal of crab and other expensive finger foods, followed by chocolate cake for dessert.

Ok, number one.  This looks EXTREMELY terrifying.  Number two,  by the time you get your food up there it will definitely be cold.  Number three, it would be freezing.  Finally number four,  if you can afford 40 G's to have dinner really high up... I have a feeling you could afford something a little more creative but you just don't want to put forth the effort to actually think of something...

Just an observation.

Ridiculous Things Everyone Wants...

Here is a short list of things I know I fantasize about having and I am sure some of you do too:

A Freakin' Monkey!

Anyone who says they don't or never have wanted a monkey is lying to themselves.  Unless they have pomfretphobia... Which is the fear of monkeys.  I still don't even really know why I want a monkey or what I would do if I actually had one, I just know it would be awesome.  Not sure if I would attempt to use the monkey as a minion... considering the probability of retaliation and the deadly-ness of an angry monkey.  But I imagine just hanging out with a monkey would be pretty fantastic.

Heli-Freakin'-Copter

Obviously I would also need a Helicopter landing pad as well.  There really isn't much logic to this choice... I mean, not many of the places I go have heli-pads for me to park at.  Still though!  Just having a helicopter would instantly make you the coolest person on your block.  Unless some jerk has two...

A Planet

The way technology is advancing everyday I don't think it is unrealistic that one day people will own planets.  I heard somewhere that apparently nobody had technically "claimed" space so a few years ago some random guy was like "Yeah, I dibs space, that's mine."  Somehow he convinced people he actually owned space and started selling stars and stuff to celebrities, but then the government caught on and informed him he could not "own" space.  Just something I heard.

A Freakin' Gun for a Limb

In no way am I saying I would trade one of my functional limbs for a gun-limb.  I am just saying that if I ever loose a limb for whatever reason, I am definitely getting it replaced with a gun.  It's just so functional.  

A ge-freakin-nie!

Not just any genie would suffice.  I want the one from Aladdin.  The one with Robin Williams' voice.  I want him to sing awesome songs about me and be my best buddy too!  And yes... of course my first wish will be for more wishes.. I'm not stupid - I thought this through.

There is my list.  There is obviously more but they are all lame things like world peace and infinite happiness for everyone.

Just a thought.

People are Jerks

I had an encounter with an extremely rude gentleman at work the other day, I don't know what his name was but for the sake of privacy I shall call him douche-face... It went something like this:

11:30 AM **Phone Rings**

ME:  Hello?

DF:  Hi, do you have generic speaker grills?

ME:  No sir, unfortunately we do not carry generic speaker grills.

DF: Are you sure?  Your not just out of stock? Because I'm pretty sure you carry them.

ME: No sir we don't.

DF: Really...

ME: Yes.. But-

**Hangs up on me**

About 4:30 PM.  I get a tap on the shoulder.

DF: Did you talk to me on the phone this morning?

ME: (Already recognizing his douchey demeanor) Yes.

DF: And you said you didn't have any generic speaker grills?

ME: Correct.

**He grabs me by the arms and brings me to a shelf where we have ONE speaker grill that is made for ONE specific speaker and WILL NOT fit anything else.**

DF:  Explain this.

ME:  That sir, is an Infinity Speaker Grill.

DF: Exactly!

ME: And it will only fit that one kind of speaker.

DF: Whatever! Same thing!

ME: No sir, not the same.  It will only fit that particular brand.

DF: WHATEVER!  Why didn't you tell me?!

ME:  You hung up on me sir.

DF:  You didn't tell me you had these!!

ME:  Probably because you had hung up on me.

DF: **starts to stomp away** I cannot believe the customer service here.

ME:  You hung up on me!! HAVE A GREAT DAY! OH AND NICE MULLET YOU DOUCHE!

...ok I didn't say that last bit... but I wish I did.  People are jerks, for no reason.

Just an observation.

The 3AM Curse

I doubt I am the only one who suffers from this terrible insufferable heartache.  I wake up at 10AM, drag myself out of bed, drink a coffee (maybe an energy drink) and go to work... All day trying to keep myself awake and motivated but still I am consciously aware of how tired I am.  This goes on all day at work and then I get home, throw myself onto my couch and contemplate an early bedtime which I most always trade in for some TV, a good movie, or some video games.  Now it is midnight, I am no longer aware that I am tired and I don't even realize what time it is anymore.  The later it gets the easier it is to stay up.

Then... 3AM hits.  If I am not already asleep, I can tell already this is going to be a long night.

All of a sudden I am the most productive person on the planet.  My mind is going a mile a minute thinking of new blog ideas, activities to do, things to plan, ways to be more efficient at work, creative things to write, emails I should send.  Then for some reason these things are no longer just thoughts but they are things I AM DOING.  I find myself cleaning my room, doing the dishes, wanting to make a 3 course meal,  taking a shower and doing things that I really should have done during the day but just couldn't find the motivation to do.

I feel s though I was born 17 hours too early and if I could only go back in time and stay in the womb for those measly FEW HOURS I would be the most productive and motivated person in the universe.

Anyways, I'm off to work now... its going to be a long shift.  I was up until 6AM last night...being productive?

Just an observation.

Jet Packs - No Longer just your Fantasy!

        If you are an average human being, than at sometime or another in your life you have wanted a jet pack.  Everyone dreams of soaring high above the earth and chillin with the birds using only a small device attached to their back, and up until now I thought this was only a pipe dream.. never to be seen by the likes of an average non-billionaire person.  NOT ANY MORE!

Introducing... THE JET LEV!

Raymond Li, a Chinese CANADIAN developed the Jet Lev (Jet Levitation) concept in 2000 and has been working nonstop to get this project off the ground. (Pun intended)

The Jet lev uses water as its main source of thrust,  and is kept lightweight by placing the engine, fuel, and all other systems on a separate boat do-hickey that is tethered to the Jet Lev and follows behind.

Now...  let's talk cost.  The Jet Lev is priced at approximately 130,000 Euros.  Which translates to about 175,000 in Canadian dollars.  Pretty pricey but if you think about it, the first personal computer was $10,000 and took up a whole room, and that was in the 60s.  Now you can get a computer that can fit in your pocket for only 400 bucks!  So if I'm doing my math right...

By the year 2060 a jet pack will cost about $70 and be the size of a ballpoint pen.

THAT.  Is pretty exciting.

Just an observation.

Not excited yet?  Alright, well watch this video you unexcitable jerk.

Short and Sweet - 365 Things to do Before you die?

This is an ad noticed on facebook the other day, and it kind of made me wonder...

ONE - Are there really that many things to do in Edmonton?  I mean, that can't be done anywhere else?

TWO - Is this add trying to tell me that I only have 365 days left to live?

THREE - Look at the picture for a second...  That IS NOT Edmonton.

Just an observation.

Technologically Challenged People DON'T Need Technology!

I work at a place that sells the newest and coolest gadgets, and yes there is some pretty revolutionary stuff; but I think there has come a point where we need to start setting standards on WHO can use these technologies.

NEW CODE OF PRACTICE

Rules for buying an Apple Ipod:

• You must be able to pronounce the word "gigabyte".
• You must not produce a blank stare when asked if you have the magical application called "Itunes"
• You must not again produce another blank stare when asked if have a computer.
• You must not produce a third blank stare when you ask how it connect to the interweb machine and we say "Through Wi-Fi Internet".
• Under no circumstance can you ask "So what does an Ipod do... exactly?"
• You must not ask the difference between the Ipod Nano and the Ipod Touch when they are in front of your face and obviously extremely different.
• You must not hold an Ipod Touch to your ear and ask how it makes phone calls.
• You must not point at an Ipod case with a fake cardboard cut-out of an Ipod inside and say you will take that one "because it's so cheap".  That is a case.

Rules for buy a Blu-Ray Player:

• You must not ask if we sell a VHS/Blu-Ray Combo player.
• You must not ask the different between a DVD player and a Blu-Ray Player
• You must not produce a blank stare when asked if you own an HD TV.

Rules for buying a GPS:

• You must not ask what a GPS does.
• You may not point at the GPS cases and ask why they are so much cheaper then the ones on display.  Those are cases.

These are the new standards, if you break any of these rules you will be stripped of every bit of technology you own... including your pace-makers and hearing aids.

I wish.

Just a thought.

7-11 Vending Machine!!! - Idea

Ok, so this is an idea that a friend of mine and myself had last year.  It's great.

So everyone loves the convenience of vending machines, am I right?!  I am.  Everyone also loves those little five cent candies from 7-11!!  Why not have the best of both worlds!

Imagine.. some sort of vending machine that carried all the best five cent candies.  You can get however many you have the money for and make your selections using the pin-pad or some other fancy screen.  Then it measures out the candies you wanted and BLAMO - out pops a bad full of your favorite candy!! 

It's brilliant!

Not only that, but think of the marketing!  7-11 candy at every movie theatre,  entertainment event,  sporting event, EVERYWHERE.  I don't know how the cash cows sitting in there golden towers at 7-11 headquarters haven't thought of this already.  I think this could be an extremely marketable idea if the technology exists, and I am sure it does!  Have you seen the kind of vending machines they have in Japan!?  They have a SMART CAR vending machine! Yeah... ridiculous right? So, I mean the logical next step is a candy one.  At least I would hope so.

Just an idea.

Ominous Telephone - Observation

I have been wondering lately...  Why is an ominous telephone scary?

Picture the start of a play...  The lights come up, and all there is onstage is a telephone.  Just sitting there, not ringing - Heck! Maybe it's not even plugged in!  But regardless, that audience will sit there for minutes wondering "Is someone is going to call that phone? Is it going to ring?"  They will wonder WHO will call that phone?  If it will be a man or a women?  If it will be good news?  Or bad news?

I have recently been thinking about this more and more because I can no longer afford caller ID, and every time I get a phone call I wonder those exact things.  If I miss a phone call, all I am thinking for hours is "Who might have called?  Why were they calling?  Did I miss an important call? GOD DAMMIT I SHOULD HAVE PAID THE EXTRA FIVE BUCKS FOR VOICEMAIL!"

I think it has something to do with the fact that when a phone rings, and you don't know who it is, that opens a world of possibilities.  These days, everyone and there dog has a cellphone so almost ANYONE could be calling you.  One phone-call can change your life, maybe for the better and maybe not.  It might be the president of the world, phoning to tell you that you are heir to the throne or it could your parents calling to tell you the bad news about your family pet, and this becomes so apparent when people are faced with the dreaded ominous phone.  

Just an observation.

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